Friday, November 14, 2014

Anxieties about motherhood

I want to talk about something that I don't feel like gets talked to much about.
or at least I haven't had conversations or confessed these things with other moms.
I don't really know what to call it.
some might say it's anxiety or fear.
some might want to call it something more serious like baby blues or postpartum depression.
and some might just call it being a mom.
but I remember like it was yesterday...
I had just given birth to Miss Belle and my step father wanted to treat us to lunch.
 Miss Belle was not even 3 weeks old at the time and she was strapped into her car seat and her papaw was carrying it to the truck parked in our driveway.
he sat her on the ground so he could open the door.
panic just completely overcame me.
I had a vision that was so vivid and real I started sweating and I couldn't breathe.
In my head I saw a car just run over the car seat and shattered it to pieces! 
I was completely terrified and as fast as that vision came to me it was gone.
My step dad picked the perfectly intact car seat with my infant baby inside and buckled it into the backseat of his truck. 
I kept trying to brush off what I saw.
 I knew in my heart my baby was safe and not even close to any kind of danger but that fear was so powerful I couldn't move past it.
I continued to have random fears from that point on.
they seemed to settle a little or at least get few and far between as she grew older.
but then Stella was born.
and then new fears started happening.
I envisioned
 an armed gunman would come into our house and start shooting a gun going right through the walls and hitting my baby sleeping in her crib.
completely random and a little far fetched right?
I talked to my mom about it.
because well she's my mom and she's the person I always talk to about these kind of things.
I didn't have these fears when Julia was a baby so I do think it has a lot to do with hormones.
I am not against seeking medical help or even medication for some of these things.
but I have never actually talked to a doctor
I also don't like medication 
no real reason just maybe I am stubborn
I figured my visions have never been about me deliberately causing pain to my children or myself 
and they have never stopped me from living my life. 
I am not cooped up in my house warding bad spirits away and keeping my kids on lock and key from the rest of the world.
so I'm good right?
I don't know
My mom told me I should pray about them. she even picked out a prayer for me to say:
Serenity Prayer
God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.

Living one day at a time;
enjoying one moment at a time;
accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;
taking, as He did, this sinful world
as it is, not as I would have it;
trusting that He will make all things right
if I surrender to His Will;
that I may be reasonably happy in this life
and supremely happy with Him
forever in the next.

this time around with Hazel I have started getting the little visions again. so far no big panic attacks or sweats but I do know they could still come. I keep praying and trusting God will protect my babies and calm my anxiety. 
I hope if there are other moms feeling this way they can talk more openly about it, know they are not alone or at least let me know I am not alone! being responsible for another living being is scary. whether it's your first or 4th the responsibility can seem overwhelming at times. 
I am told by others that I am a great mom and so patient
truth is I fail more times than not.
I can get so stressed that I yell, cry and just want to throw in the towel
motherhood is hard.
With God's help every single day, every single minute, every single second He gives me glimmers of hope, love and joy on this crazy ride.
and even with all the anxiety and fear I am overcome with so much love for these 4 amazing beautiful smart little girls God has entrusted me to mother. it is what I was made to do and what I love doing more than anything. I know he has purpose for everything that happens in  our lives and I am thier mother for a reason.
I need to give him all my anxieties.

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