Sunday, November 2, 2014

last days of last pregnancy

 bags are packed, freezer is full of meals, schedules are written and posted on the board, bassinet is ready with fresh blankets, diapers and wipes and stocked, car seat is buckled in the car and camera battery is charged. The list is all marked off and now all we are left to do is wait.
sit on the couch and just wait.
I am sick of waiting.
sick of the back pain
braxton hicks
sleepless nights
swollen feet and hands
low energy
false labor
numerous phone calls and disappointment in saying "still not time yet."
but then I am overcome with guilt of wanting this to be over with all ready.
but my waiting seems so petty compared to others I know.
couples that are waiting every month for those two pink lines with uncertainy that it may never happen.
mothers that carried thier babies but never got to actually meet them.
waiting for cures or healing as they watch their children fight for their life 
a mother sending her child to be cared for by others because of choices her child made and needs help bigger than what her mother could give.
parents that had to say goodbye as God called their young children to heaven
my waiting is a blessing
my husband sat with me last night as I was a hormonal mess.
in a puddle of tears I tried to explain the pull and tug I am feeling.
I want to hold my baby and meet her and kiss her and study all her features. smell her hair and look into her eyes. but we are both in agreement that this is the last pregnancy. 
and with only a few days left I want to soak in every bump and kick. I want to rub my belly and remember just how ugly my belly button looks like. I want to charish every step of this journey. it's almost over and we are closing a chapter in our lives.
what an amazing wonderful chapter it has been.
 being able to grow my babies. watching my body do what it was made to do. welcoming healthy almost full term babies and feeling a connection with something my husband and I created out of love. I don't have second thoughts about closing the chapter and starting the next but I do wish it hadn't go by so fast.
 I wouldn't change one thing about the last 4 years and three pregnancies. even with all the difficulties and unpleasantness, I feel so blessed. 
My husband wiped my tears and said
 "you are just very hormonal right now. your an amazing mother. and our girls are turning out to be amazing people because of everything you do for them. I am proud to call you the mother of my kids and I can not wait to see how much this one will grow to love you too."
sometimes he says the wrong things and sometimes I want to strangle him but most of the time he knows exactly what I need to hear and exactly how to make me forget about loosing my patients.
I love him and need him more than ever.
so the wait continues
only for a few more days
and I am blessed to be waiting.
thankful for this time
soaking it in
and praying at the same time for all those that need it.
God is good

Stand still and consider the wondrous works of God.
Job 37:14

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