Friday, June 22, 2018

13th letter to Julia

Dear Julia,
I am behind on writing this letter to you.
 I could come up with a million excuses as to why but the truth. 
I just don't want to.
 I know how emotional it will be for me because it means you truly are 13 years old and I am not sure my heart is ready.
 I remember the very first time I met you. three weeks old sitting in a car seat with the biggest smile on your face. I was blown away about how alert you were starring right at me. it was like you somehow already knew me and knew how much you were going to change my life. it's one of those moments I will never forget.  I was terrified but something told you were special. 
it truly seems like yesterday.

these past 13 years have not been easy. 
we both have learned and grown and been hurt and healed so much.
I want more than anything for you to always know that I love you and I care and I am ALWAYS on your side. the next few years will truly test those things but they will never change how I feel about you. I feel so blessed that God and you chose me to do that.

You are the smartest person. 
you inspire me to set goals and fight with everything in me until I achieve them.
You are stunning. 
so effortlessly beautiful.
you have a passion for fairness and equality.
you are quick and a problem solver. 
a fast learner and a hard worker.
you don't put up with anyone treating you less than
you make me so proud

being 100% honest we fight a lot.
 almost everyday sometimes.
we both get so stressed out and put a lot of pressure on each other.
I know there are times you feel like I am being to hard on you or I might be really angry and you question if I even love you. 
The answer is I love you more because I am so hard on you. I stay up late worring about you the most. I second guess myself all the time because I don't have a clue what I am doing. I pray every night that I don't screw you up or casue any serious damage to the way to see yourself. you're learning and so am I. You take up the most of my attention and time right now because I know you need it the most right now. and thats ok. you need to know you are worthy and loved. you are safe and taken care of. you have support and people that will never leave you. I live the rest of my life making sure you know all that. 
yes we have hard days and there will be more to come but I am and always will be the biggest fan of your whole life because you gave real meaning to my life. you taught me how to be a mom.

You gave meaning to your Daddy's life too. He was lost and hurt and at his rock bottom when you came along. you truly are the reason he turned his life around and made him be a man. He never wanted to fail you or give you a life you don't deserve. for no other reason than because you deserve it. you are the reason I fell in love with him. because he wasn't all talk or show. he actually worked and sacrificed and fought and loves being your Dad. None of that has ever went away. I owe you and your sisters owe you for giving the best version of him to us. Without you our family would never have been.

O your sisters!
yes they are annoying. and still so young. yes they still love kiddie shows and silly games. Yes you have out grown all that and roll your eyes when we have to do something that just might embarrass you because well that what little sisters do. But you know you they absolutely adore you. They look up to you so much and desperately want your attention and approval. They want to make you happy and to be just like you. You are their sissy. their first friend and mentor. They sometimes go to you first before me with a question or for advice. please please please don't ever lose sight of how important and wonderful that role is. I tell you more times that I can count That life will give you all kinds of phases of friends, but your sisters will never go away. I am so proud they have you. you are their protector.

I truly look forward to the coming years. yes I know that may come as a shock to you, but I feel now that you are older you're starting to understand things better and know more of who you are and who you want to be. I feel in my bones that although I will never be your friend first, we will have a stronger bond. we will spend hours at night talking about life, dreams, boys, school, goals and hobbies.
 I will always long for those baby days when you would fall asleep on my shoulder, the chubby hand holding mine as we cross the street, the toothless smile, the first time you got glasses, or your pixie cut, your first boy crush on Justin Bieber, the way you climbed trees until it was dangerously too high, the way you begged me to be a chaperone to your field trips, practicing your spelling words, the way you would get excited about doing crafts with me, washing your hair and tying your shoes, zipping up your jackets, buckling up your seat belt, blowing me kisses from the school bus, that little girl giggle.

those are all gone. 
I am forever grateful for them all.
it was a beautiful journey and I know without a doubt you will make the next chapter an even more memorable one.

Happy Birthday Baby.
My girl
The Julia
Julia Rose

love, Mom
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