Sunday, November 8, 2015

drugs, from my point of view.

I get told by well meaning people almost every time I am asked about Julia's birth mom that,
"She is so lucky she has you."
I understand why they say this and I am thankful for the kind words. but it's one of the things I hate hearing the most.
She is my daughter.
and there is nothing lucky about how that happened.
she goes through pain and hurt
insecurities and abandonment issues on a daily biases.
I found this while cleaning out her room last week.
We have been told by our counselor that for Julia it is best that we be as honest about her past as we feel appropriate.
 so I had a conversation with her.
 She was in music class earlier that day and a song reminded her of her birth mom and she started to cry. She was embarrassed and everyone was asking her what was wrong and she didn't want to tell them.   
she just doesn't understand why. why would the one person who was supposed to love her the most just not love her enough to be here with her.
 I don't know the answer but I encouraged her to continue to write in her journal. I kissed her head and told her I was proud of her and she is worthy and loved.
There is no hand book on how to help in these situations.  
I do know that I am not a prize. 
I am not a wonderful amazing saint.
she is not lucky.
it has nothing to do with luck
it's love.
Whether addiction is a disease or a choice,
I don't care.
I know my daughter is hurting and 
I am trying with all my might to help hold her broken pieces together.
because she is my daughter.
not by birth but by God's plan.
I didn't wake up and say hey I am going to come in and save the day!
because most of the time I don't.
I make mistakes  
God put her in my life to teach me
to make me a better person
to stretch me so thin that the only thing I can do is to lean on him for guidance and strength.
for love and support.
She is MY prize.
She calls me mom
she hugs me every night
she wants me when she is sick or lonely or needing to vent.
I get to be the one that watches her succeeded and learn and grow.
we have extremely hard times and she is a tough strong willed fighter.
but she is mine.

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