I really don't know where to begin with this post. I want to start off by saying I never mean to offend anyone or use any words that would hurt someone. I am just beginning to learn all the "right" things to say. I have been thinking very hard about how I would word this posting and what I would and would not include. I want this little place on the web to be a happy, fun, silly little outlet for me to show off my children and crafts and photography. I do have a secret hope that all my stories from Africa will inspire someone to take the leap of faith and go on a mission trip. This post however is not about those things.
Our first Sonogram with baby number three went awesome. we saw her little fingers and toes. Her smile and her snuggling up inside.
Afterwards we didn't have any questions or concerns so I felt confident that my husband could go ahead and put Miss Belle in the car while I finished up my doctors appointment.
The doctor sat across from me and gave me a smile that I felt was a little forced. She said "I am not worried and don't feel there is any reason for you to be worried, but there is a small marker for Down syndrome." The air in my lungs escaped and I felt a bit panic. I tried to think of something to say or to ask but nothing was making any sense to me. All I could think about was my husband was outside in the parking lot and I needed him in here with me to speak for me, to ask all the questions, To hold my hand. Then the doctor reached out and said "we can do more invasive testing. would the outcome change if you would continue with the pregnancy?" I looked at her and smiled "No."
She said she would just have me come back in a couple of months to do another Ultrasound and get a better idea of the situation.
When I got in the car I was debating on if I should even tell my husband or not. Do I even want to worry him if the doctor says she's not worried? What if he says he can't handle everything that would come with having a special needs child. What if this destroys my marriage. Can I do this on my own? Then I looked down at the ultrasound pictures, took a deep breath and I told my husband what the doctor said.
He grabbed my hand and held it tight. He blamed himself at first but we did research and found that we didn't do anything to cause this and that a lot of babies are born with a small marker but it turns out to be nothing. We decided to to only tell a few people until we knew for sure at our next sonogram.But no matter what we will love our baby and we will make it through this together.
I have always believed in everything happening for a reason. God is up there in heaven building the path for us to fallow. I feel like God was giving me signs all round to teach me something. A friend send me a link to this story about a boy with
down syndrome going on mission trips. Or a book at the store that Belle grabbed because it had
cute baby feet on it. I went to the grocery store and a down syndrome group home was there with volunteers helping them shop for groceries. a dream a friend had that I was babysitting a child with a mentally challenged condition. a Story on
Good morning America.
But the one sign I got that hit me the hardest was during church and Julia tugged at my shirt and pointed across the isle. "Mommy is that a little girl?" I glanced over and saw she was talking about a young lady who visibly had the characteristics of a person with down syndrome. I replied and said "no honey she is not a little girl." I again was speechless. and thought about how it had never crossed my mind what it might mean to my daughters if they had a sister with special needs. I looked at them and knew with out a doubt they would protect her, love her and cherish her just as much as me and Brian would no matter if there was "something wrong" or not.
I closed my eyes and prayed.
I know this is a lesson God is trying to teach me. That I have to trust in him to take care of my children, my marriage and myself. He gave us this gift of life because he trust that we will treasure it. God has a plan for my unborn baby. Already she has made me a better person. . She has made my marriage stronger because I now have faith that my husband would not run but instead fight right along with me for her well being. She has made me a better mother because I now know the truly unconditional love I have for my girls, the hopes and dreams I have for them is just that they are the best they can be and that they are happy loving followers of God. She has made me a better person because I now don't look at people with challenges and feel sorry for them. I now first an for most see them and I wonder what great things they have contributed or will contribute to this world.
I always thought about how sad and devastating it would be to get a diagnosis such as Down syndrome. But after learning more about the condition and other people that live with it, I have realized it does not describe who they are as a person. instead I am more than ever excited to meet my little one. I can't wait for my other two daughter to create an even stronger sisterly bond with each other. I can't wait to watch my husband stand up and be her knight in shinning armor. I can't wait to be the mother of this little gift who I know will be teaching the world lessons that only she can teach.
Today I went back to the doctor for my fallow up ultrasound. I sat in the exam room by myself again saying a little prayer that God will give me the strength to be the mother this baby deserves.
The doctor walked into the room and smiled. "She is healthy. We see no indication of any kind of mental deformities."
I took a deep breath and said "Good."
I thanked God again for all the blessings he has given me and my family. This gift he gave us is going to be perfectly healthy and 'normal' I also thanked him for the eye opening experience to show me that we can handle whatever he puts in our path.
